Living in Texas Pics Funny Computer Jokes
Cute Senior Jokes!!
It's been said that 'Laughter IS the Best Medicine.' Nothing works faster or is more dependable to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert. Here's to living a longer, healthier, and happier life!
A Sweet Grandmother...
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."
Married Four Times
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it...)
- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
(Oh, just hush-up now and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.) ha!
A Perfect Marriage?
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year. He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he was embarrassed.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool� After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? " Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks andim on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
You'll love this one!! An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor�s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising�. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few thingswhen he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A man buys a parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "STOP! ACTS 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of the lord, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you."
"SCRIPTURE?!" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE!!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
The church held a "Marriage Seminar" and the Priest asked Luigi, as his 50th wedding anniversary approached, to share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Luigi replied to his audience, "Well, I tried to treat her well and spend money on her. But the best thing I did was take her to Italy for our 20th anniversary."
The Priest said "Luigi, you are an inspiration to all husbands here today. Please tell the audience what you plan for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied "I'm gonna go and get her."
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies� ""You just happened to catch my eye."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Lincoln, a young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy something nice for their fifth wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.
The next day, Lucy goes shopping. Her phone rings and its Lincoln: "Hi honey", he says "how do you like your new phone?"
And she replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though".
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?" asked Lucy.
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?"
God replied, "My child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
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